The Absolutely Awesome Advisor
by T'Pinto
Summary: An advice column which also appears in The Enterprise Enterprise on Live Journal. Crew members anonymously write in for advice and the AWESOME Advisor gives them the most awesome advice in the universe - cuz he's that awesome! def. some k/s. Ongoing...
1. Issue 1

Disclaimer: Don't own em

Warnings: Sexual innuendo and naughty language and stuff -

Author's NOTE:

Hey Kids - How's tricks? So anyway - I AM working on Saving Grace and Destiny's Child - I promise

But in the MEANTIME - I've been recruited to write an advice column for **The Enterprise Enterprise** over on Live Journal. Hopefully that link will work

but

if it doesn't - the link is on my profile page and is also on The Editor in Chief's page - T'Key'la.

I am posting it here for everyone to read - but there are tons of other awesome articles in the paper - so go read the whole thing.

ANYWAY - As for this issue of the Advisor - T'Kelya wrote all the questions - and I wrote all the answers.

If anyone has any questions they want answered for future issues - SEND EM' OUR WAY!!!

Thanks in advance

T'Pinto

* * *

**The Absolutely Awesome Advisor  
**

Dear, Triple A,

My new boyfriend has 3 sexual appendages. Do you think that's too many?

Sincerely,

Intimidated in Bed

__

_  
Dear Intimidated,_

_Don't be so intimidated! __There's no such thing as too much of anything in my opinion._

_The only way this could be a bad thing is if he isn't bendy enough to use all of his appendages at one time. _

_Can you help his out with this?_

_Perhaps you could both take some Yoga classes.  
The most important thing to remember is to HAVE FUN!!_

_Sincerely,_

_AAA_

* * *

_  
_  
Dear Triple A,

I like really like the Ensign assigned to sit next to me on the Bridge at the navigation control station….usually during Alpha shift. I'm not sure he likes me the same way. Should I tell him how I feel?

Sincerely,

Samurai Swordsman

___

_  
Dear Swordsman,_

_You're __first problem is that the Ensign *cough cough* in question__,__ has a bit of a _Crush_ on t__he Captain.__  
Not that I know who__ you are__ or which Ensign you are talking about or anything...__because this advice column is __totally anonymous and all that,__but that's what I hear._

_  
Anyway - you need to work on diverting his attention away from the Captain first... PLEASE.... I mean.. um... well that would be a good thing for YOU... yeah... cuz this is all about You and Your problem and not about m... I mean The Captain... yeah...  
SO....  
back to diverting Pav.... I mean the Ensign's attention._

_  
Brush up on Quantum Physics, Theoretical Physics, __Physics in general, __and I have a Book in my Quarters appropriately entitled "__Things that were Inwented in Russia__" that I can let you borrow. It will come in handy. __  
Okay no it didn't originally say InWented - I took some liberties with an ink pen and the V...__  
My point is__…__  
Keep talking to Pav.... __er…__The Ensign__…__ about things that __**he**__ likes - and take a general interest in __**him**__, wink at him a lot, sit closer to him at lunch and I SWEAR his crush will totally switch from me.... I mean the CAPTAIN__,__to __YOU, __and __then __you'll be set._

_Sincerely,_

_AAA__  
__  
P.S. Poker__. T__onight__.__ - __M__y quarters - You are TOTALLY getting your ass handed to you for cheating me out of my pay__check last week.....Lieutenant. (Not that I know who this is – or you know who I am or anything)_

* * *

Dear Triple A,

I like this person. But he or she likes somebody else. The person who likes the person I like might kill me (really) if I ask him or her out. Do you think I should ask him or her out?

Sincerely,

Totally Crushing on He or She

___

_  
Dear Crushing,_

_  
I think you need to stop being so ambivalent and non committal with your pronouns and just GROW A PAIR for God's sakes. Even if you aren't genetically equipped to grow a pair...Do it anyway!_

_Sincerely,_

_AAA_

* * *

_Dear Triple A,_

Why did I sign up for Starfleet?

Space is disease and danger wrapped in darkness and silence.

Can I resign from Starfleet without being courtmartialed?

Sincerely,

Unendingly Irritated

__

_Dear Irritated,_

_  
__**NO! **_

_And by the way, quit taking your frustration out on The Captain via Hypospray.  
He never did a damn thing to you but be your friend.  
Well you know...except date and/or sleep with every single girl you were interested in at the Academy.... but that's neither here nor there. _

_He had some sexual identity issues to deal with back then and besides - that's all in the past - He's in a committed and loving relationship now so you can hit on __Christine Chapel__ all you want...__  
__**So STOP being mean to him damn it!**_

_Sincerely,_

_AAA _

* * *

_Dear Triple A,_

Why doesn't Dr. McCoy like me?

He liked me when we were...before, but not now.

Now every time I see him he yells at me and jabs me with a hypospray.

How can I get him to stop?

Sincerely,

Former BFF of Leoard 'Bones' McCoy

___

_Dear Former BFF,_

_I don't know why the Doctor doesn't like you anymore. It is __**completely**__ beyond me. _

_**You**__ happen to be the most __**Awesome**__ person I have ever met in my entire life. _

_Spock is right up there too - but you are just fucking Awesome and you are always so good to Doctor McCoy!_

_  
You drink with him, you listen to him complain about Jocelyn, you listen to him complain about Space, you listen to him complain about Sickbay and his lack of support from Starfleet, and his lack of supplies, and his lack of Bourbon. _

_Then you go buy him supplies and Bourbon. _

_Hell you even sit there and listen to him complain about SPOCK...and YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TODO THAT!!!_

_  
You have gone above and beyond the call of duty - and all that damn bastard does is jab you in the neck with hyposprays at every turn and ask you if he can resign from Starfleet. I've seen him do it – and I'll bet it is every bit as painful as it looks too!_

_  
Well just what the hell does He think he'd do if he didn't have Starfleet – that's what I'd like to know?  
His wife got the entire planet of Earth in the divorce and he's got nowhere else to go after all._

_  
And__ what would he do__ if he didn't have __**YOU**__ in his life to patch up every week - since you seem to have some strange penchant for __**accidentally**__ getting injured __(__Even though the injuries are NEVER your fault....and are always completely and totally accidental, and you NEVER NEVER NEVER engage in risky behavior when you are on an alien planet that might inadvertently lead to said injuries because YOU are the MOST CAREFUL and Compassionate and CONSIDERATE person I know also....__)?_

_  
Anyway - Bones would be bored off his ass without you._

_So he should just shut the fuck up about resigning and start being nice to you, and appreciate your friendship. _

_If he doesn't stop Jabbing you - Just have Spock Nerve Pinch him every time he does it! That'll put a stop to it!_

_Sincerely,_

_Your Biggest Fan_

_AAA_

* * *

My Dearest Triple A,

While I see no logic in posing inquires of a personal nature to an anonymous stranger, I thought perhaps you could provide some insight on the behavior of a 'friend of a friend'. This 'friend of a friend' likes to issue orders while they are in the act of copulation.

Is this standard human behavior?

Might you be able to shed some illumination on this conundrum?

Sincerely Yours,

Perplexed by the Complexity of Human Pranks

___

_Dear Perplexed – you gorgeous thing you,_

_It is completely and __**TOTALLY**__ standard human behavior__ for your friend's friend to be issuing orders during love making__._

_  
In fact, it's especially standard if it comes from a young, brash, talented, intelligent, cunning, authoritative, decisive, compassionate, considerate, awesome, exceedingly handsome, and originally thinking Starfleet officer, such as ...you know... The Captain.  
Who, by the way, is all of those things and more._

_  
Human Starfleet O__fficers who have to live up to that kind of reputation, have to keep up appearances and practice their talent for giving orders, even in bed, so that they __can ensure that__ their crew will always follow them and do as they are asked without question.__  
I'm sure __that your friend's friend__ is j__ust thinking about his duty to S__tarfleet when he issues these orders in bed.__  
__  
The BEST __thing you ... or your "Friend" __could do is just comply to these orders without question__. And your 'friend' should __**n**__**ever**__ raise his__ eyebrow at __their lover or look__ at him as if he's cracked in the head or something__ after he issues said orders__.__  
I assure you that compliance would prove beneficial and very pleasurable for you both.... er both of __ '__THEM__'__....whatever....__  
__  
And just to be clear..... __**it is**__ completely and TOTALLY NORMAL for him to be behaving like that during sex.... just so we're clear__. I__f anyone says otherwise... say like BONES for example__…__ Tell them to fuck off and nerve pinch them.__  
__  
OH - and just an afterthought, Your __'f__riend of a friend__'__ or your __'__friend's Lover__'__ (whatever the case may be) may actually be having some sort of post traumatic stress reaction to all the hyposprays the Doctor has been jabbing into his neck __–__(because the Doctor is behaving like a jealous huzzy).__  
__So he's taking it out on you... your friend.... whoever.... by giving you__…__, him... them... whoever... orders in bed - _

_So if you ...THEY...(whoever) really really really doesn't like the orders... well 'THEY' should just go tell the Doctor to Knock it the HELL OFF... and maybe THEIR ....amazingly talented Lover ... will chill out during fantastic monkey sex in the shower....like this morning... *wink wink*_

_Sincerely __**yours**__ (forever and ever),_

_AAA_

_p.s._

_If you wanna have more fantastic monkey sex after the Poker game tonight – _

_I would be totally cool with that, and I'll try not to issue any orders – well, not weird ones anyway.  
_


	2. Issue 2

**Disclaimer**: SSDD

**Warnings:** Language and sexual innuendo - also implied slash - don't like it - don't read it.

**Author's note: ** Here's the latest column - see the entire Enterprise Enterprise at Live Journal via the link ...somewhere... like - maybe my profile page...

dangit - I've been up for 30 hours - don't expect me to THINK!

**The Absolutely Awesome Advisor**

Dear Triple A:

My former boyfriend is now dating someone else on board. I hate this person. Well, not hate exactly. But still. How can my ex-boyfriend date this person who I can't stand? What does they say about me? I'm still the hottest being on this or any other starship but he still dumped me. Well, I dumped him but I promised I wouldn't admit it because of that whole male ego thing. Whatever.

Sincerely,

Trying to Communicate Clearly

___

_Dear Trying to Communicate,_

_'Clearly' you don't understand the level of the bond between your ex and his new significant other. _

_I think the real problem here is that you are only looking at it from your own point of view. You are taking it personally that he is dating the ONE person on board that you can't stand, as if he is doing it on purpose to hurt you – but the truth of it is – he's not._

_I understand why you feel this way, I really do, but the thing of it is, his choosing to date this new partner has NOTHING to do with you, and everything to do with HIS wants and needs._

_If you care anything at all about him, look and see how happy he is now, and you'll be okay with it, no matter what you think of the person he is dating. When you love someone, you are supposed to want them to be happy – which he is! More happy than he's ever been in his life in fact – which I know – because he tells me so on a regular basis._

_Look – you and your ex's new partner have your differences, I get that, but maybe it would be more beneficial to everyone involved if the two of you could agree to set aside those differences for the sake of your ex, whom I know you still care about, or it wouldn't bother you so much that he is dating someone you don't get along with. I'm pretty sure your ex's new partner would be willing to do this if you are._

_If you __**aren't**__... well then I'd like to point out that – by your own admission – YOU dumped HIM – so what difference does it make?_

_And I really hate to say this...but if you are truly unwilling or unable to just be happy for him because __**he's**__ happy - then that's YOUR problem and you need to..._

_A – get laid__  
B – get OVER yourself  
__and  
C – get bent!_

_Sincerely,_

_AAA_

_

* * *

  
_

Dear Triple A:

Tell me, laddie, what should I do about a certain miniature sized crewmember who always takes me sandwiches? If he got sucked out an airlock, totally accidentally of course, just how much trouble could I…or the person who accidentally left the airlock open be in?

Sincerely,

Only Asking

___

_Dear Only Asking,_

_You and I both know that if Keenser got sucked out an airlock, you'd be inconsolable. He's your best friend – and you care about him, in your own weird way._

_Your relationship is… complicated... You are unnecessarily rude to him – he steals your sandwiches and tells me... um … people.... what cards you are holding in your hand when you are drunk on poker night. It works for you – much like the Captain's weird relationship with Dr. McCoy... or Spock's weird relationship with Dr. McCoy.... Just go with it._

_As for the sandwiches you have three options._

_A- Hide them better?__  
B – Eat them before he can get to them – I know you can do this.  
__Or my Personal favorite...  
C – Make him one. – You can attract more bees with honey than vinegar – or at least that's what my mom always told me. The point is, a little consideration goes a long way._

_Sincerely,_

_AAA_

_

* * *

  
_

Dear Triple A:

The person who sits next to me on Alpha shift keeps talking to me about his impressive sword and asking me if I want to come to his quarters sometime to see it. Aren't all weapons restricted on board? Could he mean something else?

Sincerely,

Confused and Curious

___

_Dear Confused,_

_OMFG... _

_Tell that horny bastard to STFU about his sword and start listening to me before he scares you away and loses you._

_Dumb bastard._

_Also tell him that I still have that BOOK in my quarters - he'll know what I mean – and that he better come get it and USE it – if he cares anything about __**YOU**__ and this isn't just all about his fucking __**SWORD**__!_

_Speaking of which – tell him he better hope it's not just about his Sword – Or I'll kick his ass!_

_Sincerely,_

_AAA_

_

* * *

  
_

Dear Triple A:

Are you out of your mind? Seriously? You called me out on giving you too many hyposprays?

In your "advice column" no less?

I'll give you some advice: Stay away from me!

Until further notice. Or until **hell freezes over**.

Whichever comes last.

And - If you get hurt, you better hope a certain pointy-ear bastard can cure you with plomeek soup and a Band-Aid. 'Cause you ain't gettin' nothin' from me. Ever again.

___

_Dear Crotchety Assed Bastard,_

_I took the liberty of choosing a pseudonym for you since you didn't include one yourself. I found it quite apropos, didn't you?_

_If the __'Nothing'__ you are referring to is medical attention, we both know you are full of shit clear to your Adam's apple._

_A - You love me too much to see me suffer.  
__B - It would be against your precious Hippocratic oath to let me suffer and not treat my injuries – which you would NEVER go against. You may be an ass – but you have an immense amount of professional integrity.__  
Which brings me to point  
C - You __**have**__ to treat me – it's your job – and I'm the Ca.... person... to whom... you have to … give treatment... or face court-martial. _

_So go blow smoke up somebody else's ass._

_If the __"Nothing"__ you are referring to is in actuality a completely different Nothing – which I think it IS... Guess what?_

_GOOD – I don't care!_

_In case you haven't noticed – I'm doing just fine on my own – Oh wait – YOU DID notice – and that's your problem._

_Look – you and I both laid out the rules on the table – literally – back when you and I were getting 'something' from each other at the academy - then we laid... something else... on the same table... _

_ANYWAY – my point is – we agreed that it wasn't a relationship – that it was just... well.. you know... and that neither one of us would get attached emotionally... so what is your fucking problem?_

_That was years ago...and we quit … doing that... you know... after... well.. you know, the whole - 'I have a girlfriend now – and it's just not right' thing - and even though you didn't date her very long – then we never... well.. you knowed again cuz it just got awkward and we agreed never to bring it up again._

_Yet here you are – acting all jealous and like your fucking feelings are hurt or you're in love with me or something and........._

_Oh my gawd......_

_Holy Shit......_

_Crap on a CRACKER......_

_SERIOUSLY!!! ???_

_You aren't serious?? _

_SHIT! - You __**are**__ aren't you?_

_**FUCK**_

_Jeezus... I... I mean I didn't....shit...._

_I'm on my way to your office – you and I have some serious talking to do._

_For what it's worth – I'm sorry... I just didn't realize..._

_AAA_


	3. Issue 3

Dear Triple A,

I have had my eye on a simply wonderful man for the longest time. The problem is, he hardly even knows I exist. I've tried to get closer to him but whenever we get together for drinks or dinner, or even at work, all I hear all day long is Jim, Jim, Jim.

I have tried everything to get this man's attention on me and not stupid old Jim. I joined the boosters, and the cheerleading squad, and the pom pom girls squad, and then I tried ballet, and when that didn't work I tried tap dance, until all the other kids complained about the noise. Finally I discovered I had a rare talent for painting, but whenever I show the man of my dreams something I painted, do you know what he says???

I'll tell you what he says. He says – 'Say that looks like Jim', or 'I bet Jim would like that', or 'Hey that looks like Iowa – you know Jim grew up there…'

I'm so sick of JIM that I could puke.

What's Jim got that I don't have – that's what I want to know!?

Sincerely,  
Middle Child Syndrome

________

_Dear Jan…,_

_If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, STOP smelling the Ether! I'll get Scotty to come up and check the regulation valves on all the anesthetic gasses._

_In the meantime, you've had enough 'Brady Bunch'! I want my DVDs back._

_As for 'Clark Tyson' over there – I just had a lovely chat with him and he's promised to pull his head out, but if you __**EVER**__ call me 'Marcia' again, (yes I heard you. I had a concussion, I wasn't unconscious.), I'll turn him against you, I swear. _

_Sincerely,  
AAA_

_

* * *

  
_

Dear Triple A,

My car broke down and I have a flat tire. Help!

Sincerely,  
Stranded.

___________

_Dear Stranded,_

_Very funny. Don't quit your day job. Who is this anyway??_

_AAA_

_

* * *

  
_

Dear Triple A,

I hope you can help me. I did something last week that I still feel so guilty about and I don't know what to do. My supervisor assures me that it wasn't my fault, but I still feel like it was.

You see, I inadvertently submitted some…paperwork… that wasn't quite ready to be…submitted, because I thought it was. I guess I though I really just doing what he told me to do, but you see, the thing is, because I submitted it prematurely, it caused a lot of problems.

Two of my good friends are now having a lot of difficulties with each other and there seem to be a lot of hurt feelings, and I just feel like I caused it all.

What can I do to make it up to them? How can I mend the rift between them? How do you apologize for something this big?

Sincerely,  
Guilt Ridden Gal

_____________

_Dear Guilt Ridden,_

_How many times do I have to tell you that it's __**not your fault**__? __**You, **__did nothing wrong._

_You didn't cause this to happen, it's been brewing for a while, mostly because I wasn't aware of the problem to begin with. _

_We'll work it out. Don't worry about it. He'll be pissed for a while, but he'll get over it, he always does. Deep down he knows how much I care about him and that's all that matters. It'll blow over eventually, you'll see. Just ride it out._

_I probably should have been all, he and them and they with this, but that makes it too complicated. Hope you don't mind._

_And for the record – thanks for everything you do, I really do appreciate it. I know I ask a lot, and overwhelm you sometimes, just smack me on the back of the head and tell me to knock it off or do it my damn self if you get overloaded okay?_

_Sincerely,  
AAA_

_

* * *

  
_

Dear Triple A,

My boss keeps hiding his sandwiches from me. I don't really fit in well, so one of the only small pleasures I get is antagonizing him by climbing on his equipment and stealing his sandwiches, but now I can't find them.

Do you know where they are?

What can I do to get him to leave them around where I can steal them again?

Sincerely,  
Bug Eyed Boy

____________

_Dear Bug Eyed,_

_LMAO!_

_Buy him some Scotch and tell him he looks handsome in his kilt._

_AAA_

_

* * *

  
_

My dearest Triple A,

I have once again found myself pondering a conundrum and find that it may actually be helpful in solving this dilemma, to seek out the opinion of a neutral party.

I have been involved in a committed relationship with the person whom I consider to be the love of my life for quite some time now. I have truly never felt this way about another being before. He, 'completes me' in every sense of the phrase.

I am, however, extremely worried that I will lose him. He tells me he loves me on a frequent basis, and I do feel that love, and do not doubt it, but there are other factors which have recently presented themselves which have caused me to have concern.

My love recently found out that one of his best friends has been harboring some very strong feelings for him for quite some time as well. This friend now vehemently denies having these feelings, and the two of them have been engaged in an ongoing disagreement. I see how much it hurts my soul mate that his friend is hurting and won't admit it, and I do not know what to do, for either of them. All of these unbridled emotions are perplexing to me. I have a difficult time understanding my own emotions. The emotions of others confound me.

I am worried that my partner may return these feelings that his friend is harboring for him and that if the friend ever does admit that those feelings exist, he will leave me for his friend. I realize that my feelings are merely insecurities, however, I am also aware that there is a human proverb which states that if something is too good to be true, it usually is.

What I have with this man, the love of my life, is more than I ever could have dreamed was possible, so given the parameters of the proverb, one might conclude, however illogically, that the relationship was doomed to fail simply due to the euphoric nature it possesses.

I have tried meditating on this subject but find that is not particularly helpful. I am therefore, unsure how to alleviate my concern at this time. What, if anything, can you suggest?

I would be….lost….without him.

Sincerely,  
Surreptitiously Solicitous

* * *

_Dear Solicitous,_

_*Sigh*…………_

_First of all you can't be surreptitious when your secret is out of the bag, – I guess that was your adorable little attempt at humor? _

_*sigh again*…………._

_I really wish I knew what to do with this whole mess, but I don't._

_The love of your life will __**NEVER**__ leave you, not willingly, and not while he still has a breath left in his body. I wish there was some way I could convince you of that, beyond the shadow of any doubt, but I do understand, given the circumstances, why you would have the reservations that you do. _

_To say that the situation is distressing to you is an understatement, and I'm fairly positive that your partner was so wrapped up in what his friend was going through that he forgot how the whole thing might be affecting you. For which I am equally sure that he is truly sorry. In fact he probably feels like a pea-brained, thick skulled, numb nuts right about now._

_Your soul mate loves his friend very much. His friend is like a second brother to him and his friend is family in every sense of the word, but he's not 'In Love' with his friend. He never has been, and never will be, and his friend knows this. They had a long discussion about it, or so I've heard. The friend is still pissed because of the circumstances surrounding the indiscreet nature of the manner in which your lover was enlightened to the information at hand, but the friend will eventually allow his anger to subside and things will get back to normal. _

_Are you getting this? Back to normal, as in, exactly the way things were before. Meaning, that the friend is never going to admit anything to anyone, well, not in public, or while he's sober, and even if he did, it wouldn't change anything. The friend realizes that he needs to move on, and he will, and everything will work out. _

_In the meantime if a certain impasse has been reached as far as public relations between your lover and his friend go, that's fine too. I little bantering and bickering between brothers never hurt anybody, so everybody just calm down and quit worrying okay?_

_As far as you and your soul mate go, all I can do is keep reassuring you that it's __**YOU**__ that he wants, and __**You **__that he needs and nothing is ever going to change that. You are his everything and there is no one in this universe that could every hold a candle to what you are to him. No offense meant to anyone else in the universe of course._

_Sometimes, when something seems 'too good to be true', it just is what it is. It doesn't mean that it's doomed. That's fatalist thinking and a pessimistic viewpoint. It's also a no win scenario, and you know how certain people aboard this ship feel about no win scenarios…. there's no such thing. There is always a way to win, always a way to make things work. That said, that doesn't mean making it work will be easy, just possible._

_So don't worry. What's meant to be will always find a way, and if there were ever two people who were meant to be, it's you and your soul mate, trust me on that._

_He loves you and would be lost without you as well. _

_With all the sincerity in my heart,  
AAA_

_

* * *

  
_


	4. Issue 4

**The Absolutely Awesome Advisor volume 4.**

Dear Readers,

I want to apologize to you and to 'Crotchety Assed Bastard' for the fact that my response letter to him actually **appeared** in the 2nd issue of 'The Absolutely Awesome Advisor'.

It was never meant to.

I started to compose that reply as an actual response but because it became personal – I intended to send it directly to him via e-mail – and not publish it.

However – due to the fact that I came to an epiphany of sorts towards the end – I rushed out of the room and inadvertently left the article on my data PADD without deleting my response to Crotchety.

It's my own fault. The article got sent to the Editor by my yeoman... because she thought I was done with it – because I told her I would be.

Anyway – I'm sorry – and in the future I will do my best to keep other people's sensitive private issues out of my column.

I also have to apologize for the fact that this … Retraction of sorts... is coming so late. It was supposed to have been included in volume 3 of Triple A, but I got sidetracked with.... my duties.....(remember that little run in with the Klingons?...) and my editing skills went by the wayside (damn Klingon bastards).

Anyway – in conclusion, I just want to say to Dr. McCoy – who really is the finest CMO in the entire Fleet... I mean what I said the other day – and I really am sorry – and it if helps – you can jab me in the neck anytime man.

Sincerely,

AAA

p.s.

To 'Guilt Ridden Gal' This was supposed to appear before your letter did. Again – my faulty editing and non existent organizational skills. Sorry.

* * *

Dear Triple A,

I wrote to you recently about the person my former boyfriend is now dating. You published my letter and your response in your second column. My pseudonym was 'Trying to Communicate Clearly'.

I have to admit that when I first read your response I was madder than I've ever been at you… and my ex's new boyfriend. I wanted to confront you and let you have it, but my ex talked me out of it.

I'm glad now that he did.

When you told me that I 'clearly' didn't 'understand the level of the bond between your ex and his new significant other' it just pissed me off. I wanted to tell YOU to get bent.

I know **now** that you are right, and that I didn't understand it.

I don't think I ever understood it, but they are guys, you know. It's not like they prance around the ship and the bridge sharing their feelings in public, they save that for behind closed doors and my ex just isn't one to really open up and talk about his feelings. He's not comfortable with expressing emotion. In fact I didn't realize his emotions ran as deep as they do.

It wasn't until I read your last column that I really 'got it'. What Surreptitiously Solicitous said to you and what you said in reply, really made it all hit home for me.

I own you an apology, and I own them one too. So I apologize. If my ex's new boyfriend still wants to sit down with me and talk so that we can put our differences aside, I really think that would be a good idea, and I'm willing to talk whenever he has time in his schedule.

Sincerely,

Honestly Humbled

***

_Dear humbled._

_I talked to your ex's very talented lover, and he has some free time this evening because your ex is overseeing some experiments in the Science Lab. He wanted to know if you would join him for dinner in his quarters around seven. Does that work for you?_

_AAA_

_

* * *

  
_

Dear Asswipe,

I got this problem. Everybody and their dog now knows my private business….**thanks to YOU**… and now half the god damned crew keeps coming up to me and expressing their 'concern' and asking me if I'm 'okay' and all this other bullshit. It's pissing me off.

If I want to be ticked off at the Egotistical Maniac that runs this damned ship, that's my business, and I don't want everybody consoling me and boobing me and babying me.

If you really wanna make things better, you can START by telling everybody to back the hell off… and while you're at it – tell that Egotistical Maniac that I said to FUCK OFF!

Me

***

_Dear 'Me', and The Enterprise Crew,_

_Hey guys – I appreciate that you are concerned about Dr. McCoy and the Captain and their little spat – but it's like I said last issue, everybody needs to just calm down and quit worrying. It'll work itself out, just let them have some time. That's how their relationship works. It's all good and it'll be okay – I promise._

_So please leave the Doctor alone and let him wallow in his self pity and be all pissy and shit._

_As for telling the most Respected Captain to 'fuck off'… he said "BITE ME" and to tell you to quit calling him names or he'll have Spock nerve pinch you and you won't like where or how you'll wake up…PAL._

_Sincerely,_

_AAA_

_

* * *

  
_

Dear Triple A,

Kick my ass?

I'm gonna kick YOUR ass.

I was talking about my SWORD… the one that is hanging in the frame on my wall you ass! You know, the one I saved the Captain's effing life with down on the Narada's platform.

I had it declared a 'memento' and had it officially decommissioned as a 'weapon' so that I could frame it and hang it in my quarters, when I got officially assigned to the bridge crew after the incident. I wanted to show a certain Ensign how cool it is because it's retractable.

Now said Ensign won't come near my quarters because he thinks that I was talking about… my ANATOMY…. and not my sword. Thanks a lot!

I was gonna use showing him the sword as a way to talk to start a conversation with him outside of work. Then I was going to talk to him about physics and all that other stuff you told me, but that's all shot to hell now. Thanks again.

And by the way, your observation skills are less than desirable, that 'Book' isn't in your quarters anymore. I stopped by to borrow it when you weren't there and got it from your "roommate".

You better fix this….

Sincerely,

The Hopping Mad Helmsman

***

_Dear Hopping,_

_OOPSIE….I'll fix it_

_AAA_

_

* * *

  
_

Dear Triple A,

I locked my keys in my car. Can you help me?

Sincerely,

Found On Roadside Dead

**

_Dear Ford,_

_Knock it OFF! Seriously! Who is this?  
I WILL find out you know._

_Sincerely,_

_AAA_

_

* * *

  
_

Dear Triple A,

I recently filed a petition for adoption with the powers that be and it was actually turned down, can you believe that?

They said something about the kid being too old be be adopted.

You would Never guess he's too old to be adopted by his immature behavior at times. For example, when he openly argues with his ship's CMO, which in turn concerns the crew, prompting them to send mass e-mails to me asking me to intervene.

OR when he gets arrested for streaking during shore leave in a sector of a planet where public nudity is punishable by death and I have to swoop in and save his ass.

OR when he gets plastered at his own birthday party and grants everyone shore leave without the approval of Starfleet, and then sends me drunken e-mails about how his "bestest friend doesn't love him anymore", except that he "does love him and that's the problem" and then calls me Daddy and asks me to order his friend to be nice to him and asks me to make it all better.

If he wasn't too old to be behaving so childishly, I really WOULD adopt him, just so I could ground him and send him to his room....Indefinitely....

You getting this?

Sincerely,

Frustrated Would Be Father

***

_Dear Dad (you wish),_

_Why are you talkin' to me man??_

_I seriously have no idea what you are talking about._

_I'm sure that this person who you are alleging has less than stellar behavior is just a highly misunderstood individual._

_In fact I would be willing to bet that any 'drunken e-mails' you might have gotten from him were the result of some kind of** outlandish** practical joke being perpetrated on both of you. (You buyin' this?)_

_As for the streaking incident – I have it on good authority that he paid his debt to you in various forms of manual labor – giving up his shore leave with his bondmate to do so,... waxing antique autos, painting houses, re-tiling bathrooms, … you know, you're basic grueling stuff._

_Besides – he was under the influence of an alien aphrodisiac at the time – which, as it turns out, he is highly allergic to, and since he had an adverse reaction to it, and was, in effect, slipped a mickey, he was cleared of all charges and found innocent._

_He has also behaved very admirably at all other public functions (when not under the influence of alien substances which he is allergic to) and has proven himself time and time again with regards to diplomacy and negotiations. He has earned the respect of not only his officers and crew but of a great number of delegates and officials from many different races both in and out of the federation. How could someone as immature as you are insinuating this 'fictional person' to be, accomplish all of that? Huh? _

_As for **grounding** said fictional person, I'm sure he would say... "Nyah" or "so there" and summarily stick his tongue out at you, …. in a very mature and adult manner._

_In conclusion, don't you have a crossword puzzle or some paperwork you should be doing or something?_

_Sincerely,_

_AAA (advocate for the son you wish you had)_

_p.s._

_You still whistle really loud, you know that?_

_

* * *

_

_

* * *

_

**A/N: **Hey Everybody - Hope you are enjoying this and all the other articles over at the 'Enterprise Enterprise' at live Journal (see the link in the earlier posts or on my profile)

This volume and subsequent Volumes will be available in the Enterprise Enterprise as soon as more articles are posted there. - I didn't want the whole newspaper to become just Triple A articles and it was driving me nuts not being able to post - so I will post everything here first - and there when it become appropriate.

If anyone has any ideas for articles for 'Enterprise Enterprise' please let T'Keyla know. We would love more submissions.

Also -

If anyone has QUESTIONS for The Absolutely Awesome Advisor - Please send them to me - Comment or PM - either way. I'll include them in future issues/volumes.


	5. Issue 5

**The Absolutely Awesome Advisor volume 5**

Dear Triple A,

Please inform the Captain that I will not 'nerve pinch' Dr. McCoy for him, no matter how much 'name calling' is exchanged. I refuse to choose sides in this particular matter. They will have to work things out for themselves.

Thank you,

Commander Spock  
First Officer  
U.S.S. Enterprise

**

_Dear Spock,_

_You are damned dead sexy when you are being all impartial and official and shit. *wink wink*_

_AAA_

_

* * *

  
_

Dear Triple A,

Um.... after the last shore leave we had..... I um...

Well you see, when I came back on duty, I noticed... well I mean not right away, because it took a couple of days but then, see there was this... um.... rash?.... and um... well other stuff.

Anyway I don't really know what to do about it....

What should I do?

Sincerely,

Itchy and Embarrassed.

**

_Dear Itchy._

_For God's sakes go see Dr. McCoy or Dr M'Benga, and next time, WEAR A CONDOM!! McCoy doesn't keep an entire drawer full of them down in sickbay for nothing you know._

_Sincerely, _

_AAA_

_

* * *

  
_

Dear Triple A,

I have this friend who has been having some really bad nightmares. He had a really traumatizing experience when he was a kid and for some reason he's started having these dreams about it all the sudden.

The thing is, he can't really talk to anyone about it, or go see a counselor or a Doctor, because, well, um... the circumstances surrounding the experience, are highly classified.

I guess my question is, do you know if one of the Doctors would be willing to prescribe some kind of mild sleeping aid without having to know what the dreams were about?

I was going to ask you in person instead of writing, but our schedules don't really coincide and you are just so dang busy and I don't want to bother you, you know? I mean I'm a very small little Ensign fish in a very big pond right now. It's a little overwhelming.

Anyway thanks for the job.

Sincerely,

The New Kid in Engineering

**

_Dear New Kid,_

_The Captain pulled strings to get you on board for a reason you know. So that you and he, or you and I or he...me... WHATEVER.... _

_You aren't bothering me.... You need to talk to me – you come talk to me, same as always, regardless of my rank, or how busy you think I am. _

_I don't care if it's the middle of the night – You have another one of those nightmares, you COME SEE ME!! Period – and that's an ORDER Ensign._

_I don't do this for everybody – but you are the closest thing to a little brother I've got and that's that. Got it?_

_I'll talk to Dr. McCoy. He um...is very well versed at dealing with similar night terrors and.... well let's just say he has clearance and leave it at that._

_Sincerely,_

_AAA_

_

* * *

  
_

Dear Triple A,

I need to renew my Membership and the home office said that **You** are their official representative.

Do you need my membership number in order to pull up my account?

Should I stick with Basic or upgrade to Plus or Premier? I recently got an RV – so should I go with PremierRV?

So many questions....

Sincerely,

Satisfied Member

**

_Dear 'Member'_

_You realize that if I find you, you will be pulling Gamma shifts for the rest of your enlisted life right?_

_'The ADVISOR'_

_

* * *

  
_

Dear Triple A,

Hey, thanks for 'fixing' things with the Ensign I was talking to you about.

Sorry if I was a little irate last time. I was out of line, and it was uncalled for.

I want you to know that I do respect your authority and I think you are doing a hell of a job, it's just hard being friends with you sometimes, because you can be a little bit of a bastard.

But I still love ya man.

We on for poker Friday night?

Sincerely,

Samurai Swordsman

a.k.a. Hopping mad Helmsman

**

_Dear Swordsman,_

_No prob – I'm just sorry about the misunderstanding. Anyway.... Thanks man, and Ditto._

_I may be a bastard, but at least I'm still AWESOME! _

_And hell yeah we are on for poker. You **are** bringing the Ensign this time right? How's that going anyway? You never said._

_Sincerely,_

_AAA_

_

* * *

_

**A/N:** Want more Absolutely Awesome Advisor? SEND ME QUESTIONS.

Need advice on a personal matter - Ask away - I'll put it in the perspective of a 'crew member' for you if need be - and include my reply in a future issue.


	6. Issue 6

_**The Absolutey Awesom Advisor**_

Issue # 6

* * *

Dear Triple A,

What are some of your Do's and Don'ts to chatting up non-humans?

Sincerely,

LS

****

_Dear LS,_

_The biggest __**Do**__ is:  
Whenever Possible, __DO research__ on the species with whom you are going to be interacting. Different Species and different races on individual planets have different cultural taboos and it's hard to keep track of them all. _

_I find that the best thing to do, especially if you are in Starfleet, is to constantly keep up with your Xenobiology and Xenocultural Studies. I know you graduated already, but learning is a never ending process and studying different cultures and races is…to borrow a word "fascinating" stuff._

_Let me give you some examples to show you why it's so important to be Culturally affluent._

_Cultures like the native races found on Risa, Tendaria, and Danidria, are very 'touchy feely' and constantly touch those with whom they are conversing. In fact Danidrians consider it an insult if you refrain from touching then during conversation, or shy away from contact. _

_Vulcans and Betazoids on the other hand, try to avoid direct contact do to their telepathic natures. True Betazoids are not touch telepaths as Vulcans are, but their telepathic abilities are enhanced by the touch of certain receptive or responsive species._

_Chlorpanids are a very conservative race. In their culture, touching is something considered a very intimate and private act and is only allowed in the privacy of one's home, and then only with close friends or family members. They do not greet with a hand shake and even avoid brushing up against one another in passing. At formal dinners, their chairs must be place far enough apart that their elbows will never inadvertently rub, they do not engage in activities such team sports or dancing and they consider it a huge insult if you 'forget your manners' and clap them on the shoulder. Trust me – the um.. Captain… got himself into quite a jam and nearly capsized formal negotiations during diplomatic liaison with the Chlorpanid government a while back._

_If you can't do your own research for whatever reason, like say, you are in a bar on shore leave, here are some general rules of thumb to consider:_

_**Don't**__ Touch Any Tentacles!! (not even on accident!)  
For God's sakes – listen to this one. Tentacles of any kind are VERY sensitive and just by touching one you can be doing anything from declaring war, to making very inappropriate sexual advances._

_**Do **__Try to conduct yourself in a Polite and Professional Manner at all times.  
(You are a member of Starfleet after all)_

_**Don't**__ - Start any bar fights. (Whether you are chatting up non-humans or not)_

_**Do**__ - Try to find out what their interests are._

_**Don't **__ - Stare at any strange body parts they might have that you don't, or aren't familiar with._

_**Do **__– Smile and be friendly. Unless they seem scared, intimidated or angered by your smile. In some cultures, showing ones teeth is an act of aggression._

_**Don't **__- Keep smiling if they have any of the above responses. Move on – find someone else to talk to._

_**Do**__ – Compliment them._

_**Don't**__ - Pet them. I don't care how furry they are – or how soft their fur looks – petting – NEVER leads to anything good._

_**Do – **__Mention that you serve aboard the Enterprise and that Captain James T. Kirk is the finest Captain in the Fleet. That might get you brownie points. He's pretty awesome._

_**Don't **__ - Touch antennae. If you have questions – see the bit about tentacles above – same diff._

_**Do**__ - Turn on the Charm_

_**Don't **__- Tell someone to relax and call them cupcake if you've already insulted them._

_**Do **__– Bat your eyelashes a lot and look up through them –__** if**__ your chatting up is an attempt to flirt of course._

_**Don't**__ - do the eyelash thing if you aren't trying to flirt – or things could go wrong fast._

_**Do**__ - Ask about their homeworld. (Unless they are Vulcan – then Don't)_

_**Don't **__– Forget to use a condom… you know – if you ARE flirting. (and you're successful)  
_

_Sincerely,_

_AAA_

_

* * *

  
_

Dear AAA,

In the last couple of months the budget needed for Environmental Services including Laundry Facilities exponentially. We have come 'under fire' from our superiors, including Commander Scott, as he is ultimately in charge of Maintenance, which includes all Environmental Services and the Laundry Facilities department. Needless to say, Commander Scott was very unhappy that our increased spending has resulted in the depletion of over half a year's budget in just two months. However, he was less pleased by my explanation for the increase.

You see the Laundry Facilities department has received an increased amount of laundry as of late, including an unusual amount of bed sheets with, suspicious sticky stains on them, coming from the same two high ranking officer's laundry shuts over and over. This has been happening daily in fact.

Environmental services have had to add extra shifts and cleaning supplies to handle an influx of suspicious stains and spilled fluids throughout the ship as well. These have most commonly occurred in the Science Labs, after hours, the turbolifts, and for some reason the table and floor in the board room.

There have also been similar, 'spills' reported in the Captain's ready room, various supply closets, and for some other odd reason, a couple of Jeffries tubes. The 'spills' are organic material, and considered bio hazards, as they are technically… body fluids. Because of this, the Environmental Services staff has to use Personal Protective Equipment each time they have to clean up one of these spills and treat it as an actual biohazard incident. This is proving to be very costly both in regards to supplies and increased time usage due to the reports that must be written and filed with each incident.

My question is this. Is there any way you could speak to 'The Captain' and see if he would be willing to find a way to increase the Environmental Services and Laundry Facilities budgets, so that we can adequately handle this influx of 'sticky messes'? We would be ever so grateful.

Also, you might mention to him that if Admiral Pike doesn't approve the budget increase, we have checked the video surveillance footage in the aforementioned areas during the times that the spills occurred and are 100% sure how they occurred and who is responsible. We would be more than happy to forward that video footage to Admiral Pike, or anyone else at Starfleet headquarters if it will help get our budget increase approved.

Bottom line – we just don't want Scotty yelling at us anymore.

Can you help us oh great and mighty Triple A?

Sincerely,

The Environmental Services and Laundry Facilities staff.

*****

_Dear E.S. and L.F. Staff Members,_

_Blackmail, no matter how eloquently worded, is unbecoming of a Starfleet Officer, or Officers, as the case may be._

_Regardless, your budget increase request has been approved, despite the fact that the proper paperwork was submitted with missing information. However, the Captain appreciates your candor in light of the fact that the paperwork must go through the proper channels._

_As for the security footage you most generously offered to send to Starfleet and/or Admiral Pike. I'm afraid it is 'no longer available'. Darn huh? (Yes even the copies you thought you saved to your hard drives….hmmm poof gone… imagine that.)_

_In regards to the 'biohazard spills', I'm sure that you will see less of those in the future. _

_You get the budget increase anyway._

_Go away._

_AAA_

_

* * *

_

Dear Triple A,

My friend has an unusual problem that I've never heard of before and when she came to me with it, well, I'm just at a loss for words and don't have any idea what to tell her. And this is weird for me because trust me – I've been around the block a few times, and I thought I'd heard everything.

You see, she recently started dating again after a somewhat painful breakup. She really likes the guy she is seeing and a few weeks ago they decided to take their relationship to 'the next level' so to speak.

The sex itself was great but there is a huge problem. Her new boyfriend has had some past problems with E.D. which he's been treated for. He no longer has E.D. but his sexual dysfunction problems seem to have gone in the opposite direction, and he has a very difficult time reaching climax.

On one hand, that can be a very enjoyable thing, because he has great longevity, but on the other hand, it eventually gets frustrating for both of them.

The biggest and weirdest, if you ask me, part of the problem is the solution that he was able to come up with. I mean it's just… it's just weird and there's no other word for it.

You see, he found that if he's able to think about a certain person he works with – who he claims he is not in the least attracted to, and also claims he's a little put off by – he can achieve climax. He has to actively fantasize about that other person during sex with my friend. This would be bad enough but, the last few times, when he finally did reach orgasm, he actually shouted the other person's name instead of my friend's name.

You can see how that would be really awkward and embarrassing for both of them right? I mean, I just don't know what to say to her. I find it creepy, but she really really likes this guy and he's a perfect gentleman to her in every other aspect.

I just don't see how she can keep sleeping with a guy who yells "Keenser! Oh my fucking God yes Keenser!" every time he cums. I would have given up already. No offense meant to Keenser… really …. It's just… WOW – you know?

What do you think she should do? Because I am just… like I said…at a loss…

Sincerely,

Weirded Out but Concerned

****

_Dear Weirded Out,_

_I would love to help you, but I'm laughing so fucking hard that tears are streaming down my face and I can't see what I'm typing._

_Please for the love of God tell me who your friend is, and then Please for the love of God tell me that she's sleeping with Scotty…. Wait… I think I know who it is. _

_She's gonna kick your ass when she reads this too. _

_If I were you, I'd hide._

_AAA_

_

* * *

  
_

Dear Triple A,

Okay, during the Narada incident, there was the whole issue with time  
traveling and ect. right?

I got a chance to meet older Spock (which was pretty  
damn awesome!), and he said something about the first James T. Kirk having  
brown eyes, not the current captains' blue.

So my question is (since the eyes would have developed in the uterus BEFORE the alien ship arrived) if you know of the Captain secretly wearing glasses?

Thanks,  
Four Eyes

****

_Dear Four Eyes,_

_I don't know what the Captain 'secretly' wearing glasses would have to do with the difference in his eye color from this time line to the supposed original, but I will answer your question anyway._

_The Captain does wear glasses occasionally. He does not make a secret of this, he needs them to read._

_His eyes are blue, because his Mother hand them permanently enhanced shortly after his birth. I'm sure that you are aware that most babies' eyes start out blue. You also may be aware that the Captain's father, George Kirk, died during the Kelvin incident on the day of the Captain's birth. The Captain's mother was very distraught by this. _

_When she looked down at her infant son, he looked so much like her husband that she found comfort in it. So when the baby's eye's started to change color, she went to a geneticist and had the change halted. Using pictures of the Captain's late father, the geneticist enhanced the blue pigmentation already present in our then infant Captain's eyes, and ensured that they would remain blue during his later development, mirroring the color or his father's eyes. _

_Unfortunately, the chemical used by the geneticist caused the Captain to become allergic to retinex, which is commonly used to treat near sightedness or far sightedness. Because the Captain is allergic to retinex, he occasionally has to wear glasses or contacts to read._

_SOME people think it's sexy, but I'm not going to name names._

_  
Sincerely,_

_AAA_

_

* * *

_

Dear Triple A,

My friend is being a bitch. I need a phaser. Can I borrow one?

If not I could use some advice on how to make sure she fails the grade...

with love, (DON'T NERVE PINCH ME SPOCK!)  
Awful Friend and Proud

****

_Dear Awful Friend,_

_That's a toughie. _

_First of all, NO you cannot borrow a phaser. There will be no killing aboard my ship no matter how much of a bitch your friend is being._

_Second of all, I know that you must be frustrated, but don't be spiteful and petty. That is beneath you. Stooping to her level to ensure that she is also wronged won't do either of you any good and will irreparably damage your friendship._

_I'd love to offer you more advice on how to handle the situation without resorting to malicious tactics, but I'd have to know more about it._

_What exactly is she doing to 'be a bitch' to you. Are you the only one she is acting this way toward? (If not there may be a bigger underlying problem that she needs professional help with) When did the behavior start? Was there anything particular that triggered it? Is this behavior out of character for her?_

_Without knowing a bit more about what is going on, the best advice I can give you is to ignore her behavior as much as possible. I know that will be hard, especially when you want to lash out at her in return. You can kill anger faster with kindness than more anger. In essence, just be kind to her, no matter how bad she treats you. Eventually she will either see the error of her ways, or will break down and tell you what the real problem is and you will be able to help her._

_If you value her friendship, you'll want to find out what the real problem is so that the two of you can salvage what's left of your friendship._

_  
Sincerely,_

_AAA_

_

* * *

  
_

**A/N: **Thanks to **"LS**", **FantasmaAlineal**, **karmapolice28**, **Captaingeek**, and **Fernsfairie** for their AMAZING and AWESOME Questions. This Issue is **dedicated** to them.

I had to tweak a couple questions – so I hope this worked for you guys. Thanks again.

Hope you enjoyed it.

T.


End file.
